How To Deal With A Loss

Thursday, 25 June 2015

I am a little bit unsure as to whether I should actually publish this blog post. I don't really know where I want to go with it right now. I very recently lost my Grandad (my Grandy) ever so suddenly and with no real warning. We knew he was ill, but we expected a lot longer with him still so it has come as a shock. Much like when my Nan passed 5 years ago
I now have no grandparents at all

I haven't written this for sympathy, I want to explain how I deal with a loss for others to find comfort in but also to explain that I know what you may be going through if you have just recently lost somebody and lost hope

My boyfriend has never lost anybody so doesn't know how it feels, or even how to act around me currently. To be honest, I don't even know what to feel or how to act and that is OK. Don't feel like you need to cry 24/7, but also be OK knowing it is also OK to cry 24/7 if that is helping you. I cried all morning when I heard the news and before I rushed to the hospital, and as soon as I left the hospital 3 hours later I had no more tears and I haven't cried since
I also lost a friend earlier this year and didn't cry at all until the funeral as it didn't feel real until I was at the service. It still doesn't feel real now and I don't think it ever will

I feel numb

Feeling numb is OK and is regular. I anticipate I won't cry again until the funeral. Feeling numb means I am carrying on with my work and my job to a standard that isn't less than my normal. It keeps me rooted to the earth and reminds me that this isn't the end of everything. Time off work is also allowed if you feel you need it to grieve properly. I know I want to be one of those people that just stays in a tear-ridden bed but that will do nothing for me and my depression. I battle so hard to wake up everyday as it is
Feeling nothing is currently fine with me so don't feel like you need to be sad constantly to show you are grieving

To help myself and the other members of my family I have taken it upon myself to source pictures and keep them in a Dropbox folder that they all can access. This will help towards the funeral service, but also to help people cope and remember. At times like this it isn't about feeling guilty or sad, it should be about remembering all of the positive and the great times shared and digging up your memories so that they can live on
My Grandy bought me a car when my first ever one got written off in an accident that wasn't my fault. He was constantly proud of everything I achieved within my photographic career and even got me to take his photographs for any ID he needed. I'd see him every Sunday for a sunday dinner even after my Nan, his wife, passed and my mum took over the cooking. I feel guilty because for the last year or so I hadn't been there every Sunday. But I shouldn't feel guilty. He knows I loved him, I know I love him and will miss him greatly and that life won't be the same now

Pizza helped me cope the weekend he passed. I wasn't hungry at all, but I knew I needed to eat so I made sure it was something I really loved. Keeping busy also helped as then my mind wasn't dwelling on the sadness and the guilt and wondering what life will be like now
I am constantly exhausted currently so getting an early night and winding down properly is helping. Having a little pamper and facial cleanse before settling into bed. The little things help. You need some aspects of 'normal' within your life currently because you know things have changed. Nobody likes drastic change
My makeup routine has gone to hell. I just can't be bothered currently and so the world is seeing my lacklustre, grief stricken face and right now, I just don't care if they like it or not

A tattoo is next as a way of closure for me. I got one for my Nan and I felt so much better after. I can't explain why but it let me have a small bit of closure and to know that she will never be forgotten was a bit of comfort to me. I already have one planned out. I intend to get a mountain range with the "big dipper" above it as everybody I have known and loved are now above me looking out for me and guiding me. Much like the Enter Shikari song "Constellations" that goes 'you are the constellations, that guide me.'
I also have one of my Nan's rings that I never ever take off of the only finger it fits on. I even shower with it. It will be harder for me to do something similar with my Grandy as he won't have any jewellery, which is why a tattoo will help me

There is no miracle cure I am afraid to help you with the sads
Just know that time is a healer. You may never feel whole again, but you and your life will get back to some degree of normal and the sads and the crying will stop when you think of them, or hear a name that is similar

I also feel like this post itself is helping me in a way. I have struggled to find where I wanted to take this post and I feel like it has ended up as a way just to convey everything I am feeling and hoping people understand what the hell I am trying to explain

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